i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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