Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
