if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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