so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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