shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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