yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
