if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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