im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
