I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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