Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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