I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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