The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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