JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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