you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
