He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
