Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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