I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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