I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
