youre lurking in front of me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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