my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
