My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
