I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
