Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
