Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
