Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
