I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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