I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
