I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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