I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
