You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Drake has all the answers
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
