he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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