I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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