I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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