life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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