Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
