Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
