so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
