my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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