How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
