During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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