I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
