It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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