my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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