Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I will die if light touches me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
