well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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