Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
