Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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