HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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