he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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