Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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